Reactive teaching vs responsive teaching

-I doled out a mock quiz on Friday.  The purpose was to get my students ready for the end-of-the-unit test.  The unit test is hard (based on how students should perform at the end of the year) and contrived (I’m not sure I could pass it).  The purpose of the test is to get ready for the high stakes test in the spring. I feel compelled to expose the students to the format ahead of time.  
 
Spoiler alert: They do not do well on the quiz.
 
I’m not going to lie.  I freak out a little.  I feel like a lousy teacher.  I wonder if they put forth any effort in at all and by the way what the heck is going on here?!  Instead of going on a walk like I had hoped to do I react and obsess.  I feel desperate to get them up to snuff.  I think, “I need to give my kids a boot camp for constructive response.” No, wait.  “I’ll cut and paste their answers into a document and “make” them grade the different answers.  Then they will see the error of their ways and all will be fine.  
 
Plot twist not-twist: This is not a good place to make decisions from.  
 
And this is why I am blogging.  Just two weeks ago I talked about chilling the f**k out and here I am again.  I say to myself, “Jill.  Are you not even listening to yourself?”  But here’s the thing.  Muscle memory does not reprogram easily.  Brainwashing does not rewire with ease.  
 
It’s a swim upstream.  But I am going to keep reminding myself and surrounding myself with people who will remind me, too.   
 
Remind me that I need to free myself to teach the way I know is right.  
It’s as simple as that. 
 
Remind me to get my students ready “for the test” life by:

• Teaching in deep and meaningful ways
• Engaging students and capturing their imagination
• Allowing my students to become architects of their learning 
• Being the lifelong learner that I am

 
Twisting and contorting myself to teach to the test will kill me.  
 
How am I going to respond instead of react?   
Here are some questions I can ask myself when I see this pressure-panic part of me exposed:

1. What is best for these kids at this moment?
2. What will bring meaning to this skill and concept?
3. How can I lead them to the next step with joy?

Just off the top of my head.  I’m sure I’ll be back.  Reminding myself.  Opening up myself up to be reminded by others.  Thank you, my reminding-community.  We need each other.